This past Christmas, one of the gifts that I gave my dad was a pocket watch. On the pocket watch I had engraved this simple statement, “Dad, you will always be my hero.” And today, I still stand by that statement. My dad certainly meant a lot of different things to different people and everyone probably remembers him in a slightly different light. To some of you my dad was an intelligent researcher, a gifted engineer, and an enthusiastic coworker. To his friends from the gym my dad was an avid badminton player, who would frequently yell in excitement whether he hit a good shot or a terrible one. Many of you might remember him as a caring friend and to those of you who have spoken to him at length surely remember him as a great storyteller. To me personally, my dad was a loving father, a trusted mentor, a role model, a man of great courage, and one of the major pillars supporting my world. For all those reasons and more, most simply put, my dad was and is my hero.
Starting from when I was quite young I started considering my dad as my hero. For my fifth grade school district writing assessment the topic was to describe your personal hero. At the time, without the need for much deliberation I immediately started writing about my dad. I remember that essay was the only time on a school district writing assessment that I ever got the highest possible score. Needless to say, my dad particularly liked that essay. I remember that in that essay I noted that my dad was not particularly tall, particularly strong, or particularly good at sports. Indeed I remember pointing out that by most fifth grade standards he did not seem very much like the typical hero at all. But, nevertheless, to me he was undoubtedly my hero because he was helping me, guiding me, and seeming to know the answer to everything.
Perhaps every fifth grader believes that their dad is a genius, I certainly did. When I was young I was convinced that my dad was one of the smartest people in the world. I probably got that impression partially because he seemed to always know the answer to my questions, and also because to inspire me he always told me about how he was always number one in school, and always got the best possible grades. Whenever there was a homework problem I did not know how to do, my dad was always the first and last place I needed to ask for help. After I finished my homework, I always asked my dad to check it for me, and after he looked over it, I was always 100% confident that all my answers were unquestionably correct. As I got further into my schooling and started studying increasingly advanced subjects on very rare occasions I had questions that could stump him. Even after entering college, my dad was still generally my personal highest authority with regards to math and physics.
Most people when they become teenagers enter a rebellious phase, I was no different. However, whereas, when most people enter their rebellious phase they stereotypically believe that their parents “don’t know anything,” even when I was in my rebellious phase I was still convinced that my dad knew everything. His unquestionably firm grasp of calculus and physics, along with his ability to win any debate I ever had with him convinced me as much. Although in my teenage rebelliousness I did not always listen to his advice, I almost certainly knew in my heart that what he was saying was true.
Throughout my life, my dad has always been my greatest source of advice. I remember after the last time I gave a speech in front of everyone, my dad commented that he liked my speech but thought I spoke way too fast. So today, I have tried my best to speak a little slower. Throughout my life, I sought my dad’s advice both for important matters and not so important ones. It was with my dad’s advice that I decided which colleges to apply to, what classes to take in college, as well as what majors to choose. Frequently even when I knew exactly what I had to do, I would ask him for advice anyways just to hear him confirm what I already knew. When I did badly on a midterm, I would always feel much better after calling and talking to my dad. Every time this occurred my dad always advised me to learn from my mistakes, to not worry about the past, and focus on the future. Even before calling him, I would know that this would be the advice he would give, and yet, hearing him say it somehow always made the words make more sense and sound more reasonable.
Although frequently I could predict the advice he would give me, there were other times when his advice would come to me as quite a surprise. Before I started dating my current girlfriend I was unsure whether or not I should start a relationship. When I consulted my dad on this issue, I fully expected him to be quite conservative on the issue and tell me not to pursue a relationship. In fact, I retrospect I believe the reason I asked him at the time was to look for some sort of justification to avoid pursuing a relationship. However, on this occasion my dad like many other times in the past completely surprised me. Instead of giving me the expected conservative advice, he proved himself to be quite forward thinking and quite the romantic. He told me that feelings cannot be simply ignored or relegated to the backburner. He explained that what is meant to happen will happen and you should just listen to your heart and follow the flow of life. The fact that today I am still happily dating my girlfriend is a sign of my dad’s wisdom that day. Furthermore, to me it was another reminder that my dad never confined himself to one track of thinking, and he never said what he thought he was “supposed” to say, but rather always said what he believed to be right. Indeed, whether expected or not, the advice that my dad gave me always seemed to be the right answer.
One of the main reasons my dad has been my hero has always largely been because of his intelligence and his wisdom, and indeed wisdom is one of the traits which he also always valued most highly. One of his favorite quotes was the serenity prayer, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Whenever he talked about this quote he always stressed the final part of the quote regarding wisdom served as the crux of the quote, and in fact, he sometimes referred to the quote as the “wisdom” prayer. However, his love for the quote also critically hinged on the fact that in his wisdom he also knew that wisdom alone is insufficient. He knew and believed that only when wisdom is armed with serenity and courage is wisdom most valuable.
This past year and a half after being diagnosed with terminal cancer, my dad showed that he not only possessed wisdom, but that he also possessed a seemingly endless supply of serenity and courage. In this past year and a half my dad endured immense physical as well as emotional pain and suffering. He endured the acute physical pain of chemotherapy and intestinal obstructions. He endured persistent dull muscle aches and near constant fatigue. He dealt with the emotional loss of losing his wife and dealt with the prospect of never knowing how many days and weeks he would have left. And yet through it all my dad maintained a truly incredible level of optimism. Whenever he had the energy he would always chat with his friends and family with great enthusiasm. When he did not have the energy to chat he would always at least manage a smile. In the past year and half I have heard many people say how unfair it is for him to have to endure so much. Yet, I personally do not ever recall him once complaining that life was unfair to him. Indeed, on one occasion when my aunt lamented that life was unfair to him, he quickly responded that God is never unfair. My dad never fell to bitterness and managed to always try to make the most of everyday.
At the same time, although my dad accepted his disease and never questioned the fairness of it all, he also never simply gave up. He accepted that he had a very aggressive disease and that the prognosis was very poor, but he also did everything in his power to fight his cancer. At the time of his initial cancer diagnosis, the doctors believed that he would only have about two weeks to live, and that chemo would probably be useless. At the time some of the doctors recommended him to not even attempt chemo and simply try to spend his final days as comfortable as possible. However, my dad was not willing to simply give in. He chose chemo, and sought the most aggressive possible treatment for his disease. Over the course of the past year and half he had many ups and downs and on several occasions the doctors believed that there was nothing more that could be done, but dad always continued to fight and always outlived the doctors every expectation. In the hospital ward where he stayed the most often, my dad started to build a reputation among the doctors as a “fighter”, and whenever the doctors saw me they would always tell me how strong my dad was and how much of a “fighter” he was.
The final time that my dad was hospitalized, again the doctors said that he would only have about two weeks to live, but as before, my dad easily surpassed the doctor’s predictions. Two weeks became three weeks, and three weeks became four weeks. By week four of what was supposed to be his final two weeks, my dad’s condition became much worse and he was transferred to the intensive care unit. In the intensive care unit my dad’s condition started to deteriorate rapidly. While he was in the ICU my dad endured the most intense pain that he felt throughout the course of his disease. By the second day, in a meeting of three doctors, all three doctors unanimously felt that my dad would not make it through the night. However, night passed, and day came and my dad continued to fight. That day the doctor explained to me, there is very little medical reason to explain why your dad is still alive, he is alive because of his will and he has a very strong will. Despite the pain, despite the suffering, and despite the doctor’s frequent ominous predictions, my dad always had the courage to never give up, and literally fought until his last breath. On December 30th, 2008 my dad passed away. In those last days, seeing the pain he was suffering, at and the same time also seeing the look in his eyes showing his absolute determination to fight I was reminded again and again why my dad is my greatest hero. And although, I know he would probably rather be remembered as my hero for his intelligence and wisdom I will also never forget his will and courage.
Thinking about the last year and half and how my dad endured arguably the greatest trial of his life, it seems absolutely fitting that his favorite quote happened to be the serenity, or as he would call it, the wisdom prayer. In this past year and a half, my dad showed that he not only loved the quote but also lived by it. Today, in trying to say goodbye to my dad remembering the serenity prayer also seems particularly appropriate. God grant us the serenity to accept the passing of my greatest hero and mentor, the courage to move on and continue to live with great joy, and the wisdom to know the difference.
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Video for this speech
ForJIngFromDan.doc